Many mothers struggle with mom rage which often feels unexpected and out of proportion to the situation. Here are five steps to feel more in control of your anger.
Mom rage, a term not often discussed openly, refers to the intense bursts of anger experienced by mothers in response to various stressors. It can manifest unexpectedly and leave mothers feeling guilty and ashamed afterward. However, by understanding its triggers and adopting effective coping strategies, you can learn to regulate your emotions.
Step 1: Become Curious
The first step in addressing mom rage is to become curious about its triggers. Ask yourself: When does it usually happen? Who am I with? What else is going on around me or happened before?
For many mothers, rage can surface in moments of overwhelming stress, sleep deprivation, or when feeling unheard or unappreciated. Other common triggers are leaving the house, children ignoring the requests or feeling time pressure.
Take note of what situations tend to provoke your anger. Recognizing these triggers allows you to anticipate and prepare for potential anger-inducing situations.
Step 2: Practice Self-Compassion
When anger flares up, it’s important to stop the shame or guilt spiral and practice self-compassion. Stop the anger cycle by allowing yourself to feel upset without harsh self-judgment. By showing kindness to yourself, you prevent fueling the anger which will lead to another outburst.
Instead of compounding anger with self-blame or guilt, acknowledge your feelings without judgment. Understand that anger is a normal emotion and doesn’t make you a bad parent. Practicing self-compassion can prevent prolonged negative emotions that linger and affect your mood and interactions with your family.
It is also important to acknowledge what is contributing to the anger. Oftentimes, a lot of it stems from living in an individualistic society with capitalistic values. This leads to a lack of support, overscheduled lives, little time for rest and pleasurable activities, unrealistic societal expectations and financial stress. Acknowledging this might not provide a solution but helps you understand and be kinder to yourself.
Step 3: Know the Signs
Recognizing the early signs of anger is crucial for managing it effectively. These signs can include increased heart rate, clenched fists, or a feeling of heat rising in the body. In addition, you might notice a critical inner dialogue or change in your behaviour with people around you.
It might be helpful to visualize an “anger ladder” where these signs indicate you’re climbing towards an outburst. Practicing mindfulness, helps you stay attuned to your body’s physical cues and allows you to intervene before anger reaches its peak.
Step 4: Learn What Works for You
Every person is different, so it’s important to discover what self-regulation strategies work for you. Cognitive techniques, such as reframing situations positively or taking deep breaths, can help at the moment. Preemptive strategies, like scheduling breaks or seeking social support, prevent anger from building up throughout the day.
Develop a toolkit of techniques that work for you. This might include meditation, exercise, or talking to a trusted friend or therapist. By experimenting with different methods and practicing them during calm moments, you can find what helps you cope with anger and restores emotional balance.
Step 5: Learn to apologize
Nobody is perfect, and as parents, we will lose our patience and snap at our children. Learning to apologize in these moments is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship with our kids.
For the apology to be effective, you need to acknowledge the situation and describe what happened. The next step is to emphasize that it was not your kids’ fault that you lost your cool. Finish the apology by saying what you will do differently next time or letting your child know that you are working on this.
By taking responsibility and showing our commitment to personal growth, we teach our children valuable lessons about accountability and empathy. It also shows them that everyone makes mistakes and together you can repair the hurt.
You can regain control over mom rage
Mom rage is a challenging but manageable aspect of parenting. By becoming curious about its triggers, practicing self-compassion, recognizing physical signs, and adopting personalized strategies, you can learn to reduce the amount and intensity of anger episodes.
Through patience and self-awareness, mom rage can be transformed from a source of stress into an opportunity for growth and resilience. Especially, when we are willing to look at the bigger picture and reduce general overwhelm.
