When your baby is crying inconsolably, it can make you feel overwhelmed, frustrated and even angry. However, there are ways that can help you stay calm in the storm which might help your baby to calm down faster as well.
What I’ve learned with babies and children is that oftentimes we can’t change how they are behaving or reacting. Instead, we need to focus on our own reactions and behaviours. It’s the same with crying babies – we might not be able to stop them from crying but we can do our best to stay calm or know when we need a break.
Start by taking a pause
I have found that when I react instantly, my body feels tense and on alert. However, when I take a moment to pause and take a few calming breaths, my body relaxes. Which also makes me feel calmer.
Talk to your baby
It has helped me to stay calm when my baby is crying when I start by validating her feelings. In a calm soothing voice, you can say “You are so upset right now…” or “Your tummy is hurting and making you gassy”.
It can be also helpful to narrate what you are doing, feeling or thinking. “Let’s walk in the room and see if that helps. Mommy is here and I can see that you are hurting”.
This helps us stay calm when our baby is crying as we are not letting our negative thoughts start spiraling as we are focusing on the here and now.
Become curious
Sometimes there is nothing we can do to soothe our baby and help her calm down. However, usually, that doesn’t stop us from trying.
I like to use curiosity when my daughter is crying and I’m trying to stay calm. I start observing her body movements, listening intently to her cry to notice slight differences and tune into my own body to check how I’m reacting.
With our first daughter, the 5Ss were very helpful:
- Swaddle
- Sushing
- Swaying
- Sucking
- Side-lying
With our second daughter, I have observed that sushing and swaying are helpful but adding the other three doesn’t make a difference. However, she calms down quicker when I gently pat her back or bounce on the yoga ball. Overall, her body relaxes easier when the “intervention” is less intense.
Some parents swear by changing the environment or going for a walk. For some babies listening to music helps. There’s even a Taylor Swift method created by heysleepybaby!
Babies are different, so we have to become excellent observers to help calm down our baby and stay calm while doing it.
Check-in with your needs
Sometimes, we feel irritated by the crying right away and it is harder to calm ourselves down. Often, it’s due to our needs not being met.
I like to have a mental checklist to go through when I feel more irritated than usual:
- Am I hungry or thirsty?
- Do I need to use the washroom (it’s mind-boggling how often I ignore this body signal when I’m consoling a crying baby)?
- Am I overstimulated?
- What’s my energy level and mental capacity?
- How is my body feeling – any pains or aches or discomfort?
Sometimes we can’t do anything about getting our needs met in that moment but it adds compassion and understanding towards ourselves. It can also motivate us to think about how we can take better care of ourselves. For example, putting together a sleep plan with your partner.
Practice self-compassion
Staying calm with a crying baby, especially for hours, is not an easy job. It is easy to be harsh with ourselves for feeling irritated and angry in that moment.
However, research shows that what we need at that moment is the opposite. It is more helpful to be kind to ourselves and validate our experience.
“It is hard and frustrating to deal with a crying baby. It doesn’t make me a bad mother to feel this way. I am struggling at the moment and that is okay”.
If you struggle to come up with kind words to tell yourself, think about what you would say to a dear friend of yours in the same situation. Most of the time, we wouldn’t tell them that they suck. We would probably console them and say that they are doing the best they can.
Take a break or ask for help
Become aware of your body signals when your baby is crying and you are trying to stay calm. This will help you notice when you need to take a break and take care of yourself.
When you don’t have another adult close by, it’s okay to put down your baby for a few minutes even if he’s crying and take that break.
Go drink a glass of water, use the washroom, grab something to eat, text a friend, step outside or do whatever helps you to calm down when the baby is crying.
Also, if this happens more days and nights than not, consult with your doctor.
It’s hard to console a crying or colicky baby. What makes it easier is knowing what to do to keep ourselves calm when our baby is crying. And also knowing when to take a break and ask for help.
If you find yourself irritated and angry every time your baby cries or your toddler has a tantrum – I can help you find your calm! If you would like to learn about how I help my clients schedule a free 20-minute consultation.
